still here

i'm up again. i got about 2 hours of shut-eye before i had to hightail it to my therapist's. now casey has a shrink appointment, so i've got to be up for that. viva la sleep deprivation!anyway, i'm working on my business plan. i'm going to start my own consulting business to make some extra moolah while i learn enough stuff to become a sysadmin. hey, maybe i'll get lucky and start making mad cash doing the consulting thing and i'll never have to work corporate again! woohoo! yeah, right.it's pointless to work on php today, since i'm so tired it'd just go in one eye and out the other (har, har). so i'm kicking back and drinking caffeine to stay awake. the bed looks so good right now. i can't wait for nighttime to roll around.

for those who care

i switched from blogger to embedding livejournal into the page because i <3 live journal's features. the LJ page is embedded in here using IFRAMEs, so if there's any weirdness, let me know.other than that, it's 6am and i should be asleep, but i'm wired. plus i was working on the site, and i am going to try to get little sleep so that i can fall asleep earlier tomorrow night. god only knows if that will work, but this insomnia has to stop, seriously. i'm doing okay depression-wise, but my anxiety and panic disorders are acting up, which sucks but isn't as bad as being depressed. i don't think i'm manic, either, since i'm not all euphoric (unfortunately!). so don't worry about moi. i'll be fine. and i'm happy, kinda.

pee h pee

php isn't hard to learn. thank god. we went to fry's today and picked up a longer network cable, so now i'm all about playing sims on the bed. i am so lazy.


i have so much stuff i want to buy but not enough money. hopefully my brain will kick into high gear and i can learn a whole bunch of stuff quickly and get a good job soon. i felt better today. i want to travel and visit people who care about me, so i have to earn money. i think more things should be free, like airline tickets and technology. sigh.

arcade-ing

sometimes the internet sucks, because it allows you to meet people who are really cool that you will probably never be able to hang out with regularly in person.


like, i would like to be in person friends with nikki and josh and alysia and rachel and kate, plus a billion other cool people i have met, but it will most likely not happen. sucks. at least i get to talk to them here and on the phone. i wish plane tickets didn't cost so much. NASA should hurry up and finish this plane so i can travel to alexandria, virginia in 30 minutes. fuck.


tonight casey and i went to PAK MANN arcade in pasadena. it was fun. i played dead or alive 2 while these two guys stood behind me and commented on my game. they were totally all like "OOOH SEMI PUNK LOOKING GIRL, DROOL". but i just sashayed away.


now we're about to eat nachos from 7-11 and watch "oh my goddess!" episode 1. toodles.

insomnia II

ugh, can you tell i'm having an attack of insomnia? i just got really worked up over how me and casey don't lead a normal 21-year-old's life. we have no friends that we regularly hang out with, we never go out and have fun together, i can't get up or go to bed at a reasonable hour... feh. on and on. i wish i could just snap my finger and everything would work out. i feel like i'm in the gravitron ride they have at the fair, spinning around and plastered to a wall, unable to move. i can't get out of this rut. i read/hear/whatever about normal, healthy, 20-somethings and i am jealous. contrary to popular belief, i am NOT so big of a computer geek that i enjoy constantly being on and around them 24-7, locked in a relatively small room. i want to get out and be free! i just don't know how. it's stifling, i feel like a captive in here. i know i could go downstairs during the day and watch tv there, but i really need something semi-social to social. y'know? i think one of the reasons casey and i are having problems is because we're never around anyone else and it's hard to deal with each others' quirks ALL the time. i mean, he's my best friend, but still. i don't know. i'm going to go outside and smoke a cigarette and then hopefully sleep. unless my mom's up, then i might go talk to her and get mommy-advice. xo

compooterz

i finally got the laptop online. i'm going to start reading this book i got a long time ago, on PHP. hopefully i can teach myself some stuff that will get me another job. yesterday i was checking out the job boards, and i saw how few jobs are out there that i'm qualified for. it's crazy. my job description is just like, gone. in the short space of 6 months the market went from being saturated with "front-end web developer" type positions to being bereft of them. it's so weird and disheartening. there aren't even a lot of tech support jobs. i'm not sure how easy this is going to be, but i'll keep looking -- and meanwhile try and acquire some more skillZ.

happiness

today was good because of:

* herbal remedies and green burrito
* my new hair making me feel sexy & cute
* jeans that show off my bootay
* a husband that adores me
* bjork, pizzicato 5, and the troposcatter
* effexor and depakote
* sunshine and hope

new hair

today i got my hair done. i've got bangs, but right now they're pulled up in a barrette.



i felt good all day but for some reason i'm starting to feel anxious now. i want a cigarette. i want to go outside. i want to be doing something other than sitting here writing this. i don't know what, though.

tigger isn't sick anymore, or if he is, he's feeling better.

i wish i could be entertained and made happy by the things that used to do that for me. i used to love to do so many things, now i'm just bored and depressed. i need something, but i don't know what it is.

insomnia

it's 12:15 am and i'm already updating. i don't know how much more i can take of this creative block shit. i need to write and let everything just flow out or i'm going to burst. i'm not me any more. i used to think that the way i was when i was working and living on my own was some alter, some other aspect of my multiple personalities that was designed to function and block everything bad out. but i realize now that if i just could have gotten therapy sooner, i could have continued to be that person, because that was me. the real me, not the one projected by my disease(es). i was most myself then. i wasn't perfect, but i was improving and changing for the better day-by-day. but i still needed help, and i couldn't ask for it because the breakdown came too soon. i want to be myself again, and not this alter - the depressed girl. i don't have to be like this. i can become functional again. i just have to fight harder. i've always been a fighter, but lately i've given up. i need hope. i need to bring hope back into my life.

my perogative

bobby brown is stuck in my head. tomorrow i get my hair done and i can't wait. things are getting better, slowly, but i know i can make it. i saw my therapist today and she agrees. i know i'm strong, it's just that i feel really weak sometimes. i need to go on vacation or something. get away from it all for a weekend. i miss swimming in hotel pools. i wish i had the money to spend on a getaway to some exotic locale, or even just san francisco. i want to turn my room into a tiki room, all steamy and spicy. tigger wouldn't have it, though. i'm worried about him, but he just meows and tells me that everything will be fine. he always says that. i think i believe him now.

refreshed

okay, a clean start. i swear i will post every day. this is therapeutic for me, and maybe i'll get to the bottom of why i have such a creative block going on.it's so hot in here. i think tigger is sick, because he's hiding under the desk and he won't sleep in his bed. i'm worried. i have another yeastie infection under my arm, wtf? i just can't make them leave me alone.i've got tons of clothes piled up on the bed that need to be hung. one of my least favorite things to do = hanging clothes. *vomit*i love sitting outside, it's so peaceful. i so wish we had our own yard that i could play in. oh well.

okay, a clean ...

okay, a clean start. i swear i will post every day. this is therapeutic for me, and maybe i'll get to the bottom of why i have such a creative block going on.it's so hot in here. i think tigger is sick, because he's hiding under the desk and he won't sleep in his bed. i'm worried. i have another yeastie infection under my arm, wtf? i just can't make them leave me alone.i've got tons of clothes piled up on the bed that need to be hung. one of my least favorite things to do = hanging clothes. *vomit*i love sitting outside, it's so peaceful. i so wish we had our own yard that i could play in. oh well.

fickle am i

abstract.net is back up. i have a journal there that i've sworn to update every day. i'll update this one occassionally too. probably, at least... anyway, check abstract.net/diary out for daily updates.

scene 2

i am obsessed with this song "andover hospitality" by "mic stylz". it's this white guy rapping to "southern hospitality" and it's just hilarious. he's talking about being a preppie, and his country club wife, and his maxima. haha. fucking classic.anyway, the potatoEs were good. in case you were wondering. i finally got my hair to sit right under my wigs again. since it got longer it's been harder to fit it under there. i totally want to paint my nails red but i threw away all my red nail polish. i think i still have some manic panic "bitch" so i'll just paint them that color. i'm sure you all are so interested in that!i am doing better today. we went for a ride and that helped. i just need to take better care of myself. eat healthier, treat my body right, exercise... all that hard stuff. argh! why do i have so little willpower? i finished a collage. i like it but it looks kinda like a little kid did it. hee hee. okay, enough blabbering. i'm gonna work on a "design" for this page.

laughing in the dark

i'm baaack. wow, that design lasted a long time. hah. anyway, i'm back here until i can figure out exactly what i want to do with my website. now i need to go start making baked potatos for dinner. i'll update more later.

blah

abstract.net is back up. you probably should check my diary there, since i can only concentrate on one diary, and i'll update that one from now on.

bling bling

i think my hormones are on the fritz. i feel all cranky and antisocial, yet at the same time i feel like everyone should cater to me and do whatever i want. i want a cigarette. why am i having such bad cravings? i don't even smoke, really. grrr.

crazy from the heat

i am so horribly conflicted right now in so many different ways. i imagine my head to be a battleground, with all these different women arguing amongst themselves. one second i go her way, the next i go the other's way. i'm a gumby: push-pull-push-pull.living with so many women is exhausting.change is in the air. i know that it's normal for me to be going through this, but it's hard to accept my absolute lameness when it comes to being productive at all. thankfully i'm coming out of it, slowly. the heat was/is making me sluggish, but it's easing up. </p>soon i'll have $250 free dollars and i so don't want to blow it without thinking like i did the $500 i had on my credit card. i'm horrible with the spending shit, i swear. it's so bad. i have no idea why i do it, either.my therapist is wonderful. we did an EMDR protocol on the rape at 19, and i really feel like it's been lifted, it's amazing. i still have such a fucking long way to go, however. that was like, one of the easiest ones to do, honestly, because it was so recent and a lot of it was dissipated by casey's healing powers. :-Pthe way horoscopes are written is awesome. they're so cosmic and beautiful and vague.

HOT

it is incredibly hot here. our air condtioning went out and now me and casey are lying around naked, hot, and sticky. EW!