insomnia

it's 12:15 am and i'm already updating. i don't know how much more i can take of this creative block shit. i need to write and let everything just flow out or i'm going to burst. i'm not me any more. i used to think that the way i was when i was working and living on my own was some alter, some other aspect of my multiple personalities that was designed to function and block everything bad out. but i realize now that if i just could have gotten therapy sooner, i could have continued to be that person, because that was me. the real me, not the one projected by my disease(es). i was most myself then. i wasn't perfect, but i was improving and changing for the better day-by-day. but i still needed help, and i couldn't ask for it because the breakdown came too soon. i want to be myself again, and not this alter - the depressed girl. i don't have to be like this. i can become functional again. i just have to fight harder. i've always been a fighter, but lately i've given up. i need hope. i need to bring hope back into my life.